Head in the clouds
Below, I share a flash back to pivotal moment in my “Oxygen First” journey.
SMASH. CRASH. My life flashing before my eyes…seeing the edge of the runway. Imagining flames. The way the nose prop of the airplane smacked down is deeply ingrained in my memory. The way my body shook. The terror. How did I get here? How was I so lazy faire that I nearly crashed the plane and didn’t even realize I was so far down the runway. How tired was I that day?
It was about 4 years ago. I was a single mom, trying to do it all. Trying to rebuild my life while raising a then toddler boy alone. I was working full-time in rocket science (seriously), and trying my best to do everything else, too. I was working long days, picking up my son at the last minute that daycare was open (and dropping off at the first minute), being a mom and cooking every meal homemade, getting him to bed, then working until the wee hours of the night. Barely sleeping because he didn’t sleep. The next day followed the previous by a 5 am workout and then repeating another day. Skipping meals. Eating leftovers off his plate to not waste food. Looking back now, the grit existence was blazingly not sustainable and it’s a miracle I only just “sort of” crashed the plane that day. But I was working so hard to heal from my divorce and get back into flying - my passion. My mind was racing telling myself the story that I had lost too much ground since my flying days began. The story that I gave my dreams up to follow a man for his job. The story that I had to dig myself out of the world I had created because I had ignored my inner knowing to not follow that man. “Just keep doing it all” I told myself. It was my only option. No one could be trusted or relied upon. Grit. Hustle. Sacrifice. The buzz words that society preaches were my addiction.
Let’s flash back to that day…. It was a gorgeous morning. I was flying with my instructor and he said “Kid, I’m getting out.” This was code for go do some touch-and-go’s alone. He hadn’t said those words for 5 or so years since my first solo. I remember being a little scared that day but more so just confidently ready. For starters, I’m all of 110 pounds so when his estimated 190 pounds of weight gets out the plane, it flies differently and feels weird. He got out and I took off - pushing the throttle fully is one of the moments I always feel the most alive in life. I got back into the flight pattern, radioed in and started my downwind, my base, and my final before landing and I went through my checklist. I don’t even remember feeling much of anything, let alone nerves. I came in a little fast, but didn’t even think twice about running out of runway and being that fast.. Until suddenly the SMASH. I smashed the nose wheel so hard and bounced the plane. And then I looked up and realized that I was nearing the end of the runway (which is on a cliff in Colorado). I panicked. So I jammed that throttle HARD. Retracted my flaps. The “go-around-queen,” as my instructor calls me, was back in the air. I did an emergency radio call (one I will never live down) and asked if my engine was on fire. The owner of the airpark got on the radio and said I was fine. Then my instructor got on and reiterated that all was fine. He had to talk me through instructions to get control of the plane. And then I knew I had to get my shit together in the next 2 minutes and do i all over again. I had to land the plane. There was no other option.
So I did. And in that moment, the words of Mike Rock came back to me…. “Put on your oxygen mask first. You have to.” And I finally surrendered to changing my life and doing whatever it took to take care of myself first.
That was 4 years ago. I recall breaking up with whoever I was dating (Peter Pan #?), deciding to address my decade plus long hip pain, to leave my job and to stop forcing everything to happen. To start the process of stopping the grit. The survival. To start putting on my oxygen mask first. We all need oxygen to live, but we also need it to heal. This healing process and the things that I do now to put my oxygen mask daily are what I will be sharing with you on this blog. My only hope is that by sharing my journey, my tips and tricks, that someone out there will see how we are all connected and that they, too, will make changes and share the same nuggets of wealth with others.
P.s. for the official vulnerable record, I haven’t flown since that day. But I plan to to get back in the plane in the next year and I will share details here! it’s still a part of my path and my lifelong healing journey. It’s my passion and I am committed to doing what it takes to get back in the cockpit.
Big Love,
