Guest Post - 10 Days of forced self care

My dear friend, Carrie Hicks, was instrumental in helping me craft my blog to the vision I had in my head. She took my first blog site and built this one. She is a magical unicorn of a friend and, shockingly, I have never met her in person! COVID hit this spring when I had plans to go visit her. Someday, I will squeeze her in person, but not having done so doesn’t begin to change that she is a soul sister of mine and has richly blessed my life with all of her love, her tough love, and her beautiful gifts. She is also my first guest blogger! Guest blogs will be regularly occurring on Oxygen First and I hope to bring you posts of many of the individuals who have helped me and held me accountable to my personal “Oxygen First” journey. Enjoy!

For any of you who follow the Enneagram, my top three types are TWO -- The Helper, aka “take care of everyone but myself”; NINE -- The Peacemaker, aka “don’t make waves, please everyone!”; ONE -- The Reformer, aka “the perfectionist”. So basically I save everyone, human and animal, don’t speak up for myself and I have to make sure it all looks pristine and perfect while I slowly and quietly drown. Sound familiar? I thought so! Don’t get me wrong, I possess very positive traits within each type too, like caring and receptive, and purposeful. It’s just as a mother and a wife and a woman, I tend to live in a place of putting everyone else’s oxygen mask on first and maybe, just maybe if there’s one left I’ll take it, but really we should have a spare just in case! You never know when one might not fit right. So I’m good. I’ll go down with the ship or plane as this metaphor goes!

I’ll have you know, I’ve been working on all of this. Speaking up for my needs more, setting boundaries more, letting others offer to help first, saying NO when I really don’t want to do something, and watching my children falter (that’s the hardest!). But old habits die hard...until I was forced into isolation only having to care for one single person...ME! 

Here’s the back story. I had a routine dentist appointment coming up and they offered free covid screening through the neighboring medical facility in advance of the appointment. Sure, I’ll do that. Why not? The day after the test while I was at my daughter’s soccer game I got a phone call from the county health department. “I’m calling to let you know your covid test came back positive.” I’m sorry, what? Surely you’re mistaken. I feel completely fine. My conversation with the county continued for a good 30-minutes while I slowly backed away from the soccer game creating more and more distance between me and those I loved, and society. My disbelief very quickly moved to shame and embarrassment and hung out there for several hours. I cried ugly sobbing tears in the parking lot as I told my husband, mom, and sister that I have covid and they might too. I ruined EVERYTHING. My son’s birthday the next day...gone! Halloween (what was left of it)...gone! The rest of my daughter’s soccer season….gone! My son’s flag football game the next day where he was going to be quarterback….bye! My sister’s birthday plans...maybe next year! My dad’s work...see you in a couple of weeks! Family photos...eh, no one needs to see us dressed up in a field of fall leaves anyway! The domino effect felt huge and wide even though in truth our circle of impacted people was pretty small, all things considered! I immediately went into 10 days of isolation in my bedroom and my husband and kids went into a 14-day quarantine in the rest of the house. Somehow I got the 13-year old incontinent dog too in the separation of assets, but I suppose that’s fair given my husband was suddenly forced into motherhood. 

Here’s what happened after the fallout. I started taking care of myself! I exfoliated and put on a new face mask every night. My skin is back to glowing! I woke up one morning at 6am and did a virtual Yin yoga class for chakra healing and proceeded to do it on my own in subsequent days. I stretched and rolled out my tired back, often. I did squats and push-ups while watching Netflix. I watched A LOT of Netflix; something that has always felt so gluttonous that I would never reward myself with it, like an ice cream sundae after dinner. I took healing and quiet walks by myself, mindfully paying attention to each step and sound around me. I moved for mental healing, not for purpose. I got caught up on my favorite podcasts. I deleted old contacts from my phone. That may have been the most healing, by the way! I called the people I loved. I meditated alone and in the evenings before bed with my children (in distanced spaces). I journaled. I did a jigsaw puzzle...only my second during this whole damn pandemic because who has time for that when you have to hold everyone else up? I cleaned out my closet. I let myself sleep in. I said yes to friends and family dropping off meals. I watched from afar as my kids struggled through distanced learning but magically solved their own problems. I watched my husband jump in on an as-needed basis which looks far more healthy than constantly being there ready with a safety net. I took long showers. I lovingly watched the birds and bunnies outside my window flitting about, not a care in the world. I built up my new Etsy shop instead of saying the usual, “oh, I’ll add product when I have time.” My family and I asked each other one by one what was the best and worst part of our day and what was our favorite emotion of that day….something we started doing before the pandemic but never quite continued. I read whenever it felt right. I ate on my own clock and when I felt hungry, not when I was feeding everyone else. I also ate the foods that felt best in my body, which I hadn’t done consistently since the pandemic started because the refrigerator became full of everyone else’s favorites. I had the mental fortitude to be more loving and calm with my words. I forgave myself. The mean girl inside me who is constantly judging the woman in the mirror got very quiet. 

I finally put myself and my mental well-being first. No excuses, no one, no thing to hide behind. And it felt really, really good. The irony of it all has definitely not been lost on me and as I come to the tail end of this isolation, still asymptomatic (thank, God), I am feeling strong in my fortitude to move to a healthy EIGHT on the Enneagram -- self-confident, boundaries in place, oxygen mask securely fastened before helping others! 

I am so grateful for these last ten days that have allowed me to pause, breathe and heal. 

The brilliant Mary Mosham, read a poem to me recently by David Whyte called Sweet Darkness. In those words “...The world was made to be free in. Give up all the other worlds except the one to which you belong. Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you.”

And with that, I will sign off and head to the warm shower. Just as I now wish for myself, may you be safe, may you be healthy, may you live with ease and happiness.

About:

Carrie Hicks is a dear friend of Dot, the creator of Oxygen First, a mother of two kids, two dogs, two cats, and any other stray/lost being that comes in her path. She’s currently lording over distanced learning and building out Spoon & Twine, her first Etsy shop full of entertaining and gift packaging items she personally loves to keep around the house to make it look like she gives a damn!